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Gambling addiction bouncers

Postby Douzshura В» 02.06.2019

.

Steven Caulker has a tale to tell and, as hard as it is to hear, it is best simply to listen. His stream of consciousness veers from scoring on his England debut less than five years ago and the thrill at potential being realised to the horrific mental health issues that have almost ended it all in the period since. A player who, from the outside, appeared blessed with talent and opportunity speaks of desperate anxiety and self-loathing.

He contemplated killing himself in his darkest moments with his path one of self-destruction. Attempts at escapism cost him hundreds of thousands of pounds, wages frittered away in casinos. Then came the drinking aimed at numbing the pain. The year-old finds himself recalling the times spent in custody watching CCTV footage of his misdemeanours, his lawyer at his side, and not recognising the vile person on the screen.

Football is still coming to terms with mental illness and Caulker, an international and a last lingering reminder at Queens Park Rangers of financially misguided days as a Premier League club, has been an easy target. He is not seeking to make excuses or win sympathy.

These are details he finds painful to recount. I felt for large periods there was no light at the end of the tunnel. The healing process that can restore him to the top level is well under way, with this interview, one he sought out, potentially another step on the road to recovery.

He returned to be galvanised under Jimmy Floyd Hasselbaink at Loftus Road and, having spent the previous season on loan at Southampton and Liverpool — unfulfilling stints which fuelled his latent insecurities — was ready to give his all. Early season performances against Leeds and Cardiff suggested confidence had been restored, reward for a summer of incessant fitness work.

The trigger that would send him spiralling to rock bottom would be injury. He tore his groin at Barnsley and played in pain for weeks, dreading a spell back in rehabilitation, before succumbing to an associated hip complaint. Talking publicly, he suggested, may point younger players towards seeking help if they find themselves treading the same route, or experiencing the same sense of desertion, in a brutal industry. The real hope is the exercise, as brave as it is, may ultimately prove more cathartic for Caulker himself.

His talent has convinced some of the most respected managers he is worth pursuing. It was more than six years into his career before he accepted he needed help. But at Southampton I realised, mentally, I was gone. Just like at QPR, I needed to justify the money they were paying me but I was in a state and, at some point, there has to be a duty of care. Football does not deal well with mental illness. That dissuades people from getting help.

You feel obliged to get on with things. Football was my escape as a kid but that changed when I was chucked into the first team as a teenager and suddenly football came with pressure. My way of dealing with it, even in the early stages of my career, was gambling. I was addicted to trying to beat the system, because you convince yourself there is a system to it and you can beat it. He has played times in the Premier League and for eight clubs with the same, horribly familiar cycle of insecurity and self-destruction pursuing him to each.

There is always a catalyst to the nosedive. I was gambling heavily when I went back to Tottenham, staying up to crazy hours of the night in casinos. I guess never feeling good enough played a big part in that. I never felt I was on the same level as any of the first-teamers but a big win in the casino and money in my back pocket might change that. Being dropped rattled me even more because football was what I had relied on to make me feel better.

So then the gambling was every single day. The pain of losing all my money, combined with the shame and guilt, ate away at me. I was numb but I was out of control. The chairman, Daniel Levy, eventually sought him out on a post-season trip to the Bahamas.

I took it as a challenge, a chance to prove him wrong. I was so immature. So I went to Cardiff and, for six months, everything was amazing. I was captain, the manager, Malky Mackay, knew I had some issues but offered to be there for me. I felt wanted, so there was no gambling, no heavy binges but the second he was sacked, all the demons came back.

I should have stayed and sorted myself out. I wanted the ground to swallow me up. It just pounded in my head: regret, regret, regret.

From that moment I was gone, even if I never wanted to accept it, and everything just escalated. That year was an absolute nightmare. The only relief I found was in alcohol.

There were occasions when he would wake up in a police cell. He grimaces when asked how often he has been arrested, embarrassed to admit the figure, but the drunk and disorderly offences would flare up from London to Southampton to Merseyside. Why I was absent. It ended up as my toughest year ever. My girlfriend lost her mother and was grieving while living with someone struggling with addiction. There was no release. Part of me thought the money they were offering could solve all my problems but why would being on my own out in Russia help?

I had no idea how to break the cycle and being in Moscow while still injured just felt a recipe for disaster. The manager, Ian Holloway, was actually telling me to stay. You need to get yourself right. A last blowout. It was at that point I finally accepted I could not win; that there was no quick fix, no more daydreaming I could save the world through one good night on the roulette wheel.

It was all a fantasy that took me away from having to feel anything. I contemplated suicide a lot in that period. A dark time. All the guilt, the embarrassment, the shame, the public humiliation in the papers … and for what?

I stupidly took comfort in the alcohol but it ended up deepening the depression. It was relentless from every angle.

Until 12 March. What if I had driven the car out of the car park and killed someone? No, that was it. No more second chances. I was still injured and unable to play, so I signed off sick. I went to see a specialist who diagnosed me with depression and anxiety. He prescribed me medication and we put together a plan where I would take some time away to sort myself out.

He and his girlfriend travelled to Africa and India, helping in orphanages, homeless shelters and schools where the suffering was exposed and obvious. He has attended countless Gamblers Anonymous and Alcoholics Anonymous meetings, and has reached out to support workers in the game such as Clarke Carlisle for advice. He has not touched alcohol since his arrest in March. Golf is a new, more constructive vice.

Whether I played football or not I would still be suffering from this illness, just without the public pressure and humiliation. Addiction does not care. I am a man of extremes. That is still me. That is who I am. But I get fucked by these other demons and I desperately need something in the middle.

Money covers the cracks. It can be evil. It prolongs the agony. I miss the game like crazy. I want people to remember I am a footballer who was good enough to represent his country at 20 and still has 10 years left in the game. Now I feel good mentally and I want the chance to show people, including my son, what I am truly capable of. Facebook Twitter Pinterest. Topics QPR. Reuse this content. Order by newest oldest recommendations.

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How I Lost EVERYTHING in Las Vegas (Gambling Addict), time: 23:07
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